Hannibal

[alcuin]

Alcuin had never done this before, and he realized that it might be a bad idea when one of the girls who worked at the brothel talked to him for a few minutes, then gave the person working the bar a Look and then went down the hallway in the direction of Hannibal's office. Where she informed him that Alcuin had been drinking gin martinis at a steady clip for the last hour.

... he really should have gone somewhere else. Or just gotten a bottle of gin and brought it to his room.

When he heard Hannibal's familiar footfalls behind him he said without looking, "I truly hope you're not here to scold me."

Comments

[quitollis]

"That is good," Aaron replied. "Not just because I appreciate not being lied to, but... also because it shows that... you're not a bad person."

[alcuin]

Alcuin was quiet for a moment and then said, "I know that this won't matter. I recognize that you didn't care for me but someone you thought I was, but..." He hesitated, and then looked down again as he admitted, "I missed you."

[quitollis]

Aaron thought that terribly unfair. It tugged exactly at the same strings he had before, that had caused him to fall for him. And he felt he had missed Alcuin - or rather the fantasy of him - as well.

It made it even more difficult to remain neutral.

"You missed a fantasy," he said gently. "But perhaps it's worth thinking about why you missed it."

[alcuin]

Alcuin could hear his thoughts. He didn't address them directly, though it made him want to apologize... again.

"No, you missed a fantasy," he said. "Because I was a lie. But you... you were only yourself. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I just thought you should know."

[quitollis]

"Then what did you miss?" Aaron asked, genuinely confused.

[alcuin]

Alcuin looked confused too, by that question. "You," he said. "How sweet you were with me, how you cared, the way you worked through your feelings and chose love, the gentle way you touched me, I..."

He looked embarrassed. "You're a good man, Aaron. I don't see why it's surprising that I would miss you. I did lie to you, but I told you I wasn't entirely... faking."

Hannibal would be furious.

[quitollis]

"Because you have all that with someone else," Aaron replied. "In a genuine way, without lies."

[alcuin]

Alcuin wasn't sure that was... entirely true. What he had with Hannibal was different.

"What I have with him is different," he finally said. "In any case, I'm just telling you the truth. I did miss you. It's not as if it matters."

[quitollis]

"Of course it matters," Aaron said. "And not just because of me, which you no doubt can hear rather clearly." Because he felt truly conflicted and having Alcuin here just made him want to kiss him and that was very much not what he should be feeling.

"It matters because it's something you apparently desire. Yes, you taught me that it's what I desire and... despite it all I do thank you for that. But... if you miss it, then you must wish it also. And I'm quite concerned that you are not able to pursue such a life. Or any life for yourself."

[alcuin]

Alcuin continued to look deeply uncomfortable with this conversation. "You can't - you can't always get everything you need or want from one person, no matter how much you love them," he said. "He knows that, too." He was regularly fucking Kersen, and some mystery fae, these days after all.

[quitollis]

Since it was pointless not to ask what was on his mind (If Alcuin could read him anyway), he spoke. "Why do you love him?" He was gentle and quiet in his questions, but he had some suspicions that - if true - were deeply concerning.

[alcuin]

"That's kind of... hard to articulate," Alcuin said after a moment. "I mean, it's been so long. But he's... strong, and wise. I love the way he appreciates beauty, and how protective he is of the people under his care. He has this presence about him that's incredibly magnetic."

He realized then that a few months ago he might have said more. About how careful Hannibal was with him, how much he respected consent, and Alcuin's choices. But lately... Alcuin wondered if some of that had been an illusion. That he'd simply always wanted what Hannibal wanted him to want.

"And he saved me," he finished. "And loves me. We're partners."

[quitollis]

"You feel save with him?" Aaron asked.

[alcuin]

“I do,” Alcuin said immediately. “He would never let anyone hurt me.”

Well. Except him, sometimes. Or a client, negotiated, contracts signed.

But that didn’t count.

[quitollis]

It seemed like Hannibal was doing much of the hurting Alcuin himself. Aaron kept that to himself, even if Alcuin might hear his thoughts.

"I think you should explore who you are. Perhaps your past is inaccessible, but that does not make a blank slate out of you. You still have agency."

[alcuin]

“He isn’t hurting me,” Alcuin insisted, though something in the protest rang hollow even for him. “I mean, no relationship is perfect… and I’m here aren’t I? That’s um. Agency.” Even though he’d already thought several times how much Hannibal would not like this.

[quitollis]

Aaron could not read minds, but he did read between the lines. "But he doesn't know you're here. He only knows you left, upset."

[alcuin]

"I've never done that before," Alcuin confessed. "I was angry. He didn't seem to understand why I was upset, and I certainly didn't want to fuck someone when--" He stopped, face going red. "That sounds terrible."

[quitollis]

Aaron was not a therapist, only a listener of sins. "Don't worry about language, I'm used to a lot. You didn't want to fuck someone while you were upset."

[alcuin]

"Not the language, I just... that makes it sound like Hannibal is my pimp. That's not, um. He would never force me. I only sleep with people to... get information. And I don't mind. I'm good at it."

[quitollis]

"But he tells you who?" Aaron tried to say without judgement

[alcuin]

“Well, yes but… I mean, we discuss…” Alcuin’s voice trailed off. “I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t want to. I didn’t tonight.”

[quitollis]

"That's good," Aaron said. "And... no repercussions?" He asked carefully.

[alcuin]

“I um, can’t imagine what they would be,” Alcuin said awkwardly. “Though I don’t like disappointing him. I imagine he found my exit… rude.”

[quitollis]

"Rude?" Aaron asked. That didn't sound like a caring lover at all.