Hannibal

[alcuin]

Alcuin had never done this before, and he realized that it might be a bad idea when one of the girls who worked at the brothel talked to him for a few minutes, then gave the person working the bar a Look and then went down the hallway in the direction of Hannibal's office. Where she informed him that Alcuin had been drinking gin martinis at a steady clip for the last hour.

... he really should have gone somewhere else. Or just gotten a bottle of gin and brought it to his room.

When he heard Hannibal's familiar footfalls behind him he said without looking, "I truly hope you're not here to scold me."

Comments

[quitollis]

"Of course it matters," Aaron said. "And not just because of me, which you no doubt can hear rather clearly." Because he felt truly conflicted and having Alcuin here just made him want to kiss him and that was very much not what he should be feeling.

"It matters because it's something you apparently desire. Yes, you taught me that it's what I desire and... despite it all I do thank you for that. But... if you miss it, then you must wish it also. And I'm quite concerned that you are not able to pursue such a life. Or any life for yourself."

[alcuin]

Alcuin continued to look deeply uncomfortable with this conversation. "You can't - you can't always get everything you need or want from one person, no matter how much you love them," he said. "He knows that, too." He was regularly fucking Kersen, and some mystery fae, these days after all.

[quitollis]

Since it was pointless not to ask what was on his mind (If Alcuin could read him anyway), he spoke. "Why do you love him?" He was gentle and quiet in his questions, but he had some suspicions that - if true - were deeply concerning.

[alcuin]

"That's kind of... hard to articulate," Alcuin said after a moment. "I mean, it's been so long. But he's... strong, and wise. I love the way he appreciates beauty, and how protective he is of the people under his care. He has this presence about him that's incredibly magnetic."

He realized then that a few months ago he might have said more. About how careful Hannibal was with him, how much he respected consent, and Alcuin's choices. But lately... Alcuin wondered if some of that had been an illusion. That he'd simply always wanted what Hannibal wanted him to want.

"And he saved me," he finished. "And loves me. We're partners."

[quitollis]

"You feel save with him?" Aaron asked.

[alcuin]

“I do,” Alcuin said immediately. “He would never let anyone hurt me.”

Well. Except him, sometimes. Or a client, negotiated, contracts signed.

But that didn’t count.

[quitollis]

It seemed like Hannibal was doing much of the hurting Alcuin himself. Aaron kept that to himself, even if Alcuin might hear his thoughts.

"I think you should explore who you are. Perhaps your past is inaccessible, but that does not make a blank slate out of you. You still have agency."

[alcuin]

“He isn’t hurting me,” Alcuin insisted, though something in the protest rang hollow even for him. “I mean, no relationship is perfect… and I’m here aren’t I? That’s um. Agency.” Even though he’d already thought several times how much Hannibal would not like this.

[quitollis]

Aaron could not read minds, but he did read between the lines. "But he doesn't know you're here. He only knows you left, upset."

[alcuin]

"I've never done that before," Alcuin confessed. "I was angry. He didn't seem to understand why I was upset, and I certainly didn't want to fuck someone when--" He stopped, face going red. "That sounds terrible."

[quitollis]

Aaron was not a therapist, only a listener of sins. "Don't worry about language, I'm used to a lot. You didn't want to fuck someone while you were upset."

[alcuin]

"Not the language, I just... that makes it sound like Hannibal is my pimp. That's not, um. He would never force me. I only sleep with people to... get information. And I don't mind. I'm good at it."

[quitollis]

"But he tells you who?" Aaron tried to say without judgement

[alcuin]

“Well, yes but… I mean, we discuss…” Alcuin’s voice trailed off. “I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t want to. I didn’t tonight.”

[quitollis]

"That's good," Aaron said. "And... no repercussions?" He asked carefully.

[alcuin]

“I um, can’t imagine what they would be,” Alcuin said awkwardly. “Though I don’t like disappointing him. I imagine he found my exit… rude.”

[quitollis]

"Rude?" Aaron asked. That didn't sound like a caring lover at all.

[alcuin]

"He puts great value in good manners," Alcuin said. "It was not exactly a graceful exit on my part. I was angry."

[quitollis]

Aaron did not see much love here, but he was aware that his view was biased. He still felt something for Alcuin - or the fantasy of him, at least.

"Can you go home tonight?" He asked.

[alcuin]

"Well, I... sure," Alcuin said, but in all honesty he didn't want to.

[quitollis]

"Will you?" Aaron asked.

[alcuin]

Alcuin hesitated. "I suppose so." He managed a small smile. "I promise I will not spend the night crying on a curb."

[quitollis]

"Well... you're free to stay here, if you prefer," Aaron suggested. "I'll take the couch," he hastened to add.

[alcuin]

Alcuin hesitated as he calculated possibilities. What would Hannibal think if he didn’t come back tonight? Though also what would happen if he did? And he also truly didn’t think he deserved Aaron’s kindness.

“I can’t put you out more,” he said.

[quitollis]

"Well, find a place, then. You'll learn more about yourself standing on your own two feet," Aaron suggested, carefully. But if he went back to that Hannibal... then it would be clear he had no agency at all.